I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
