There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
