Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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