When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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