the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
