if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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