Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
