She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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