I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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