Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
