I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
