That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
