Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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