I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
