She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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