there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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