Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
