and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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