i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
