Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
