the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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