I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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