So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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