I think I won the penis lottery.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
