That's intense
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
