I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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