he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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