Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
