dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
