he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
