Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
