Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
