Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
