Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
