Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
