4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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