nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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