Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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