This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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