I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
