**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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