Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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