Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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