On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
