The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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