Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
