I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
