The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
