Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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