If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
