what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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