working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
