I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
