Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
