I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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