Betty ford says i'm here all night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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