i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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